love is a selfish thing.

There are wounds that are not meant to heal at all.

I hate when a huge heartache can overtake your entire life. Marielle you have cancer, i've yet to see you and I miss you more than anyone right now. I'm angry because I can't do anything about your situation, even cheering you up seems like it'd just be a waste of time. When you love someone as much as I do and a disease like this overtakes them, it hurts me more than anything to see the pain and suffering you must endure. All I can ever do with my anger is hide it and bundle it up so tight that noone could ever notice it and sometimes it explodes ont he wrong people. Sorry if it does, I can't help it. It's how I am. I hate myself and I know this, i've accepted it. I accepted it a long long long time ago and i'm ok with it. Shouldn't be, but I am. I will cope.
I often find I cry myself to sleep most nights because of all of this. Stress, pain and anger. Not just from seeing Marielle go through so much, but everything that my life has come to. Within the past year and a half it's taken a big turn and all for the worse. Minus my new job. So yes, I do hate my life. I hate myself. I hate humanity and I hate how little I can do for this world. All I can ever do is truly love and it seems that even that has given up on me. Why should I try so hard for something that will never ever happen.
The people I thought I could keep close to me really aren't all that reliable and the people I truly whole heartedly love really could give two fucks. So why should I anymore? Makes sense? I think so?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I am scared to death....
to fall in love.
with you.
with anyone.
with anything anymore.
It's so wonderful what a smile can hide if the teeth shine bright and it's nice and wide.
So magical all you can keep inside,
and if you bury it deep, noone can find a thing.
I love it.

|Just to Get by|

This morning I woke up,

feeling brand new,

I jumped up.

Feeling my HIGHS

and my LOWS

and my SOUL

and my GOALS.

Just to stop smoking

and stop drinking

well I been thinking,

I have my reasons.

Just to get by.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've realized that, as humans, we are creatures of habit.

We live in our fantasy world all cooped up in our own minds.

We create these daily routines and map out schedules for our lives without even realizing it.

Why?

To me it feels as if by doing this i'm preventing myself from truly living.

Almost putting a chokehold on what I truly want and desire in my life. Why would I subject myself to a routine that I most likely don't like? Because it makes us comfortable? It feels normal? No I don't know why we do such things.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did I mention I hate this place.

I'm in a place I swore i'd never put myself.

Why is this happening?

and why can't I seem to find any means to an end for any of this.

I've never felt so much pain in my heart.

It's reached a point where my eyes sting from all the crying and i can truly feel my heart dissipating.

Hello Brain.

It's been quite some time...

Alot has happened, most of which can be good and bad really.

I'll talk about the current situation instead.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This place no longer feels like a home. A home is warm, cozy, happy and a place where you can love and feel loved. This place, Richmond, this complex, these walls, these tiles, these windows, absolutely none of it feels like a home to me anymore. I should be so happy right now, with my life and everything in general. Don't kid yourself, I am, but every time I return here, all I can help but feel is sadness. There is no love, there is no warmth and it is the farthest thing from a true happiness that I could ever feel. Any moment of time I spend here makes me tear up. I stay here, I sleep here, I breathe here and I all I want to do is cry. It feels as though i'm being suffocated by a depression that I cannot escape. I have a sick feeling in my gut and I can never be happy in this place. I no longer know where my home is. It feels non existent and I don't know what to do about it.

This all sounds so sad and horrible, but I can't lie to myself, this is the truth. This is how I feel.

I wish I didn't, but I do and I need to figure out a way to figure this all out.

I just need someone to rectify the little ounce of happiness that I have left in me and I don't know if that will ever happen.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I should really turn this into a proper blog, instead of my rambled brain fuck ups.

That is all.

It's a blend of fear and passion.

Back.

I didn't think i'd have the balls to come back to this place and write another blog, but alas here I am. I'm gonna kick it old school and throwdown the way I did back in the fucked up LJ days.

HERE WE GOOOOOOOOO....it's like an acid trip gone wrong.

-----------------------------------------------------

Rage rage rage raggggggeeeeee

RAGE, MOTHER FUCKING RAGE ALL AROUND.

anger, fear, sorrow, no joy.

no happiness, no love, no pain.

no emotion.

bite till it bleeds.

fuck it.

anxiety, pain, suffering, heartbreak, pain, pain.

blood.

----------------------------------------------------

I forgot how fun it was to blog like that. I haven't done it for years.

Essentially it's my way of summing up everything I felt within my weeks span.

I don't have to explain what happened, just what I experienced and for the most part it comes out in quite a negative manner. Naturally one would assume I would love such a thing, but for once I don't. I'm realizing more and more just how thick my skin really is. It's shameful.

I've become so immune to silence, never speaking, never saying whats on my mind, whats REALLY on my mind. It scares me sometimes. The night terrors increase and the sleep deprivation is constant.

The sorrow is outweighing the joy and I am truly scared.

...In other news, 2012 IS SUCH A MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT.