There are wounds that are not meant to heal at all.

I hate when a huge heartache can overtake your entire life. Marielle you have cancer, i've yet to see you and I miss you more than anyone right now. I'm angry because I can't do anything about your situation, even cheering you up seems like it'd just be a waste of time. When you love someone as much as I do and a disease like this overtakes them, it hurts me more than anything to see the pain and suffering you must endure. All I can ever do with my anger is hide it and bundle it up so tight that noone could ever notice it and sometimes it explodes ont he wrong people. Sorry if it does, I can't help it. It's how I am. I hate myself and I know this, i've accepted it. I accepted it a long long long time ago and i'm ok with it. Shouldn't be, but I am. I will cope.
I often find I cry myself to sleep most nights because of all of this. Stress, pain and anger. Not just from seeing Marielle go through so much, but everything that my life has come to. Within the past year and a half it's taken a big turn and all for the worse. Minus my new job. So yes, I do hate my life. I hate myself. I hate humanity and I hate how little I can do for this world. All I can ever do is truly love and it seems that even that has given up on me. Why should I try so hard for something that will never ever happen.
The people I thought I could keep close to me really aren't all that reliable and the people I truly whole heartedly love really could give two fucks. So why should I anymore? Makes sense? I think so?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I am scared to death....
to fall in love.
with you.
with anyone.
with anything anymore.
It's so wonderful what a smile can hide if the teeth shine bright and it's nice and wide.
So magical all you can keep inside,
and if you bury it deep, noone can find a thing.
I love it.